


your ghost is still here

by zarapjms



Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: After Barry’s disappearance, Angst, Central City Citizen mention, F/M, Fluff, Iris’ journalism arc, Lots of Crying, Nightmares, RIP Barry, The Twins - Freeform, the Loft
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-26
Updated: 2018-05-26
Packaged: 2019-05-14 03:27:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,993
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14761728
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zarapjms/pseuds/zarapjms
Summary: Iris deals with Barry’s disappearance.





	your ghost is still here

**Author's Note:**

> hhhhheeeeeyyyyy i’m bored and i love angst so i wrote this :) i know it’s short and sad, but i really wanted to write something again, and i’m in a bad mood bc i got locked out of my twitter acc, so here you go! i hope you enjoy. :)

Iris was still in shock. She didn’t talk to anyone. She never left Barry and her’s loft. She stayed in their bedroom, sleeping, waking up, sleeping, using the bathroom, sleeping, maybe eating, and a repeat of that.

She still clung on to the idea that Barry would be back. He would. He promised. He never lied about his promises. He was that amazing.

And although everyone had tried hard to reach her, to talk to her, or even just see her, she ignored them. She ignored all of it.

Because, what was her life without Barry in it? Nothing. That’s right.

Barry was the light of her life. Whenever she felt that she couldn’t do it, couldn’t go out there and pretend to be happy, couldn’t go out there and be the team leader, she looked at him and his smile and it was all okay. A flood of confidence and contentment washed over her. Because that’s how great Barry is.

Or, was.

Whenever she needed to talk to someone, to anyone, he’d be the first to rush over, trying to listen to her, trying to help her, trying to be there for her. And he made her feel safe. He made her feel like she was that strong, that great. She hugged him whenever she needed comfort, knowing that his arms would wrap around her perfectly, no hesitation.

She stared at their picture on his nightstand. The picture they’d taken before they both left for college. They were so young. He was smiling. She was smiling. They were looking at each other. There it was again, the smile they only reserved for each other.

She slammed the picture down, not wanting to see it, refusing to accept that Barry’d never smile at her like that ever again.

She hugged his sweater closer, her eyes tearing up even more at the fact that soon his scent would leave every piece of clothing, that he wouldn’t linger around anymore, that there’d be no more Barry or home-y feeling whenever she entered their loft.

Iris stood up, sniffing quietly, walking over to the room of the twins. She checked on them, saw they were sleeping, and smiled softly. The only thing of Barry that was left were their children. Their children who would grow up without their father. Don slept peacefully, a small smile on his face. Nora’s face was crumpled, as if she was seeing a nightmare, and she started whining.

Iris rushed over, smoothing down Nora’s long hair, shushing her. Nora calmed down, but started trashing around instead. Iris had no choice but to wake her up.

“Nora, honey, wake up, sweetheart.” Iris squeezed her daughter’s tiny hand, looking at her face as she woke up slowly. “That’s good, hey, you’re right here, you’re with me.”

Nora blinked. She rubbed her eyes, a tiny sigh leaving her lips. She made grabby hands at Iris. Iris pulled her onto her lap, sitting against the headboard. Nora tucked her head underneath Iris’ chin, shaking, clutching her father’s sweater tightly.

“Mommy, when will daddy come back? I miss him.” Nora looked up at Iris, her eyes wide and teary, her bottom lip trembling.

Iris’ own eyes filled with tears. She bit her lip to stop herself from crying. “I don’t know, honey.”

That was the truth. Well, only half. She did know, she just didn’t want to admit it to herself.

Nora nodded, leaning back against Iris’ chest. Iris wrapped her arms around her daughter, holding her close. She peeked at Don, relieved to still see him sleeping peacefully.

“Will he ever be back, mommy?”

Iris’ throat closed up, a lump forming. She swallowed. “Shh, just sleep, baby. Want me to sing for you?”

Nora nodded, yawning. “Please.”

Iris rubbed her back, laying down, pulling the blanket over the both of them. Nora hugged her, her head on her pillow. Iris slowly made circles with her hand on Nora’s back.

“Can’t say how the days will unfold, can’t say how the future may hold,” Iris whispered now, barely singing, just hoping to lull Nora back to sleep while not waking Don.

“But I want you in it, every hour, every minute.” Iris thought back to the day Barry sung her the song. His smile all the way through it, the way Iris teared up, his soft little touches.

“This world can race by far too fast, hard to see while it’s all flying past, but it’s clear now, when you’re standing here now.. I am meant to be wherever you are next to me.” She glanced down at Nora, her eyes peering back up at her mother, waiting for her to continue.

She smiled softly, hugging Nora even closer. “All I want to do, is come running home to you, come running home to you. And all my life I promise to keep running home to you, keep running home.. To you.” Her voice cracked on the last word, her eyes filling with tears once again. She swallowed, looking at Nora again.

Nora’s eyes were closed, her breaths even. She pulled herself apart from Nora, tucking her into her bed nicely. She kissed her forehead, and then did the same with Don. She stroked his face too, glad she had them both.

She slowly walked back to her own bedroom. She sighed and pushed the door to the bathroom open. She looked at herself in the mirror.

She honestly didn’t look as bad as she thought she did. Her hair was a mess, her clothes barely hanging onto her frame. She still had wet eyelashes and tracks over her cheeks. Her lips were red and dry, so she licked them. And then she brought her hands down to the sink, slamming them, knowing it wouldn’t wake the twins.

Yes, Barry was gone now, but mourning in their loft forever would get her nowhere. She had to continue writing for Central City Citizen. She had to go be with her father, her brother, her friends at STAR Labs, anyone. She had to be strong, for herself, but mostly for Barry.

He wouldn’t want her to stay in their loft forever. He would want her to live her life. He would want to see her happy.

And, although she would never be truly happy or content in her life without Barry, she had to at least try.

**

The next morning, she tip-toed downstairs, where she knew her laptop was. She walked to the kitchen, instead, taking out a few stuff that’d be quick and easy to make for breakfast.

And then she called to the twins, who came downstairs a bit later, all dressed up and ready for school.

They stopped at the sight of Iris in normal clothes, not Barry’s. “Mom?”

Iris turned around to look at them, a soft smile on her face. “Hi, honey’s. Um, I tried really hard to fix this up for you, and your lunch is already in your backpack’s. Grandpa Joe will pick you up today, mommy’s gotta do some things, but then I’ll be back before you know it.”

Don nodded slowly, while Nora smiled. They both hugged their mother. “We miss him too, mom.”

Iris sighed, willing her tears to go back, hugging her children.

“Alright, you start eating, okay? I’ll be back. Yell at me when you’re done.”

Iris kissed both of their cheeks, heading upstairs, to her bedroom. The scent of Barry mingled with hers hit her nose and she smiled. “I love you, Barr.”

She sat down on the left side of their bed. She put the picture back in its original place, her fingers stroking Barry’s face. “I miss you.”

She couldn’t help the tears that escaped her eyes, not anymore. She sighed, wiping them away, knowing it was useless, that more would fall anyway.

She missed him, a lot. She just couldn’t sleep right anymore, not without him. She wanted so badly to be back in his arms, wrapped up in the smell, thought and touch of him. She wanted to be able to kiss him again. God, she wanted to see him again, one last time.

The thing she felt worst about, was their last conversation. She’d yelled at him for leaving, even though he knew what his future would be. It was the 23rd of April. He knew what that date meant. He’d responded calmly. And then he’d left anyway. And he’d kissed her cheek after all of it, too, even though she’d been mad at him. Not really, though, she was just incredibly heartbroken. Still is.

It was a stupid reason to argue with him, now that she thought back to it.

Barry’d woken her up, late at night. “The twins, Iris, I’ve gotta go handle something.”

Iris’d woken up, immediately worried. “What’s wrong?”

“It’s the Reserve Flash again.”

Iris’ breath hitched in her throat.

“It’s okay, but, the twins are still talking, you should take a look at them, they have to sleep.”

“Why couldn’t you just-”

“I have to go really quickly-”

“Barry, no, it’s the 23rd, you know-”

“Time’ll catch up, anyway, Iris, one way or another, today’s supposed to happen.”

Iris rushed over to him, stopping him in his tracks as he pulled his suit on.

“Barry, please, not right now, I can’t-”

“I have to go, Iris.”

“Barry!”

Barry shook his head. “I’m sorry.”

“No, come back, Barry, you don’t get to do this, no, no, no.”

Barry hugged her tightly. He sounded choked up when he said, “I’m really sorry.”

Iris trashed in his arms, not hugging him, crying. “No, Barr, please, don’t leave.”

Barry pulled back, regretfully so. “I love you.”

Iris sniffed harshly. “Don’t go!”

Barry opened the door of their room, sighing. “It’s okay.”

“Don’t you fucking dare, Allen-”

He pressed a kiss to her cheek, and then left, a streak of orange lightning following him. Nora and Don ran out of their rooms, their eyes wide. “Daddy?”

“Go to your mom, honey!” And then he was gone.

She hadn’t even said “I love you” back. She sniffed quietly. Then she stood up, smoothing out over the spot where she sat.

“I’m sorry. But I promise, Barry, I love you, and I’ll do anything I can to honor your memory. You deserve it. I will miss you, so much.”

And then she’d closed the door, silently saying good bye, but not quite.

When she came back downstairs, she expected to see the twins eating, but instead they were cleaning up the kitchen, stopping when they saw Iris. “Are you ready to leave, mom?”

Iris nodded, smiling softly. “Yeah, let’s go.”

**

After Iris took the twins to school, she went back to the loft. She took her laptop, and immediately started typing, only stopping to drink from her coffee.

Central City was wondering where the Flash was, if the Flash would ever come back.

She had to let them know that no, he wouldn’t be coming back, that he was gone, but that he’d saved so many lives, while he was still here.

She didn’t out his identity, not yet, not ever. Barry wouldn’t want that. Not in this way. Not if he didn’t get to tell Central City himself.

So she wrote, quickly, and then sent it to her employees, telling them to put it on the front page, that she wouldn’t come to work today. She gulped when she realized that this was the article that made her question whether or not her and Barry belonged together, back when they were still dealing with Eobard.

They did. They always have. And Iris would never forget that, couldn’t forget that, because no matter the situation, Barry was part of her, just as she was part of him.

Good bye, Barry, may you rest in peace.

Iris smiled, a real smile, for the first time since his disappearance, and closed her laptop.

Although Barry was gone, he would always remain in her heart.

 


End file.
